Ladies retreat
I just wanted to take some time and share with you all what I God has done with me over this last week, the ladies is retreat was incredible, and if I were to give you a play-by-play of all the things that God has done this weekend I might as will write a book lol. Instead here are the highlights.
Let me take you back to Thursday night, and as we sing praises to the Holy Spirit God began to move. I didn’t get past the first song before I broke into tears. Now it’s not uncommon for me to break into tears during worship, but it usually takes me a while to get there. This was different. This was holy crap what just happened, and God spoke to me, and told me he was already preparing my heart for what was going to happen that night. As I cried I felt unworthy. I mean how could God love me? I mean after everything I’ve done. I’m always messing up. He told me his exact words honestly. “I hate to break it to you, but you are always going to mess up. But no matter how many times you falter I will always forgive you.” Then he asked me” when Stephen messes up to our forgive him?” I said “yes Lord.” Then he asked “is there anything Stephen could possibly do that you would not be able to forgive him?” And I said “no Lord nothing.” Then he told me” then how much more is the love I have for you, how much more will I forgive you. You are my child and I love you, and the love and forgiveness I have for you is more than what your mind can possibly comprehend.”
As we got into the service and Marsha started speaking. At one point she threw out that even if people make you feel stupid. Well this brought my mind in a whole different direction. In case some of you don’t know I’m dyslexic. I can’t spell to save my life, sometimes I read things incorrectly; because, my mind sees them differently. Sometimes I read numbers backwards. It’s been a struggle for me my entire life. Now I’m back in school, and even though I’m getting good grades in the back of my mind I get down on myself. What if I pass, and am working in the field and I can’t do this? Spelling is a major hindrance for me. Right now I’m using my microphone, but if I were typing this all out it would almost look like some foreign language that no one would be able to decipher except perhaps my Rockstar Carrot.
So anyways this is all going on in my head. Then God told me I was smart, not only was I smart, I was worthy, I was his child, and he called me to be a medical assistant. This was not a career path I chosen for myself. This was something that God himself told me to do and I just followed strictly in faith. He told me” I will empower you, and I will work through you, and you will do amazing things not by your own power but by mine.” This was a dream that God is placed inside my heart among many others. Then Marcia began to pray for everyone, and God told me to go get prayed for. He spoke to me and said. “When she lays her hands and prays for you I will reaffirm what I’ve already told you through her.” As she began to pray she told me my dreams are being hindered, but God is going to bring them to pass he is going to awaken dreams in me that even I had forgotten I had. And let me just tell you he’s doing that now. I knew exactly what she was talking about. After she prayed I started thinking about Michael and how I long for him to come back to the Lord, and as I was thinking that she said. Someone here is praying hard for someone at home and God wants me to tell you that he is sending ministering angels to you and to the person back home because God is working! Needless to say not my will but his, not my strength but his, not my capability but his, he is empowering me to do his well and with him I will move mountains!! God is going to do amazing things in my life. He loves me, and even though I may not have the strength or capability to do these things he does!!!
There is a bunch more stuff that happened, but I won’t get into that. I just want to share with you one more thing that happened at their retreat. There’s a lake there and we decided to hike up to it. I guess we took the long way because it was like at least an hour walk up hills down terrain, but it was completely worth it; because, when we reached the lake, with the trees, the hills. It was so tranquil, majestic, breathtaking, view I have seen in a long time. I took pictures, but I know they will not do them justice. Anyways we went with a big group, but I wind up walking back alone, and as I walked a had a conversation with the Lord. That week my face broke out. Maybe that’s an understatement; because, I haven’t had a bad break out this bad in forever. Makeup just seemed to make it worse, so needless to say I was self-conscious about my complexion. I’ve been trying to lose weight, but it’s been a struggle. I’ve lost quite a bit, but not fast enough for my taste, so I had been struggling with that, and then there’s always my smile, from a young age my teeth have always been messed up. The last time I was at the dentist they were attempting to fix the problem. They told me “well will have to break your jaw three times, but even after we do this there still not 100% guarantee that your teeth will be straight.” To which I replied “I guess I’m going to live with fangs” lol.
I know many people might not notice, but it is self-conscious for me. Especially every time I smile. I kept thinking of my family even my sisters and they all have such pretty smiles, but my smile is something I’ve always been self-conscious about. So I went on this whole rant to God about all of these things, and how I might not be the most prettiest girl but im trying. This is when God rip me a new one. And told me “if you could only see how I see you. You’re beautiful. You’re my child and I love you.” I confess this all during testimonies. So this entire conversation I hadn’t with God I explained to the entire group. It was extremely hard for me to be that vulnerable expressing something that I normally would not talk about with anyone. When I got to what God had told me I broke down, and then something unexpected happened. So many different women came up to me expressing how they see me, and how they find me beautiful. I’m crying right now just going over how they describe me; because, I don’t see myself that way. I know a lot of women are self-conscious about this. And maybe many of them feel how I do which is why I thought it was important to share, but self-esteem has never been something I’ve had. Even back when I did not struggle with a weight issue, and I was super thin I still felt unattractive. So after a long talk Marsha brought up these T-shirts. They were purple with the letters beautiful all in silver glitter on them. They had made them for their beautiful tour, and everybody was going to buy one, so we can wear it Sunday. My Carrot told me she was buying me a T-shirt, and gave me the money. The only problem was they ran out of my size. They didn’t have the size up and everything else was too small. I gave the money back to Terra and told her they didn’t have my size anymore. Marsha was there and she was like we have some in the car, I said they already brought those out they no longer have it. I told her it was okay, but honestly in my mind I was thinking. I should be wearing the shirt anyway. Almost like I was unworthy and not beautiful then she told me that she was going to drive back to the office to get me and shirt. I was lately over well her office is like 45 minutes away. It was already 11 o’clock at night, and she was going to drive all the way just so I could have a T-shirt to wear Sunday morning. I felt so special and honored and humbled that she would do this just for me. It meant so much to me. So that Sunday I wasn’t alone and everybody had our beautiful shirts on. God is still working with me. And I know it can take some time, I like my mom’s analogy where I feel like a rock. I’ve got rough edges, a dark and jagged, but God is chipping away at me. Buffing away all the imperfections until there’s a perfect shining diamond, and I will be shining bright. Not because of my own awesomeness but because the son of God lives in me is shining bright through me, and because he is awesome therefore I become awesome.
So I challenge you all to dwell in awesome presents of the Lord, and share your testimony with someone; because, you never know what they might be going through, and what you tell them might just be the encouragement they need.
